WE GAY MEN are fighting hard to have our relationships legally recognized. But my sad observation is that we don't always honor our relationships, truly regard them as precious, or work to have the best relationships that we are capable of having. And the ways in which we fail to respect our relationships often involve sex.

Many men tell me that they have open relationships. As a psychologist who works with couples, I believe that an open relationship can be a successful relationship if it is done with complete honesty. Complete honesty means that both partners agree to have an open relationship and are clear about exactly what their open relationship entails.

Yet I often hear about people keeping their partners in the dark about outside sex that they are having, when both men have not agreed to an open relationship.

We step out for all sorts of reasons: We want hotter sex than we are having at home. We want more variety than a monogamous relationship seems to offer. We feel uncomfortable revealing our sexual fantasies and desires to our partners.

Secret sex may be more exciting. Some opportunities just seem too enticing to pass up. But why do we have sex with other men without informing our mates?

WHEN YOU CHOOSE to deceive your partner instead of addressing sexual dissatisfaction, you diminish your relationship. You also diminish the possibility of improving your sex life at home.

You are certainly more likely to have better sex by openly addressing sexual difficulties with your partner. If doing so seems scary, take heart. The very act of talking with your partner about your sex life, though often daunting, tends to make for a much more interesting relationship, both in and out of bed.

I am also concerned that many partnered gay men so keenly pursue sex outside of their relationships, even when the relationships are honestly open. I well understand the desire for novelty and dislike of boredom, and I do not doubt many people's positive experiences with their own open relationships.

But ongoing nonmonogamy can stunt your relationship. Here's why: If you are looking for better sex, it is usually far less anxiety-provoking to seek hot sex with a stranger than it is to work with your partner on your sex life.

In opting for outside sex, you may avoid the opportunity to create great, passionate sex at home. And when you choose not to struggle together with your partner to create a better sex life, you may miss a profound opportunity to deepen intimacy and commitment between the two of you.

For some of us, the very opportunity for deeper intimacy and commitment is scary. If this is true of you, you may want to consider why this is scary, and whether you are maintaining an open relationship, honestly or deceptively, because you are afraid to get too close to your partner.

LURKING BEHIND OUR behaviors is often a deeper problem: Many of us do not really value ourselves, our partners or our relationships. How else to explain why we claim to want honest, loving and committed relationships, yet seek secret, anonymous and casual contacts?

How else to explain the widespread attitude that our partners are replaceable, at least sexually, when we are not satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship?

You could blame homophobia for this, and you would be right. Given the culture in which all of us were raised, and in which we live, it is difficult to develop or maintain a positive image of ourselves, or of gay relationships.

Most of us didn't grow up seeing partnered gay men cherish each other. But why admit defeat, by disrespecting ourselves and the relationships that we purport to value?

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